I've been an agoraphobic for thirty years, having had my first all-out attack when I was only four years old. My mother used to have to lock me out of the house to make me 'go play outside'...at which point I would hide in the shed or the doghouse for an hour or two. Nine years ago I couldn't leave my apartment unless I was drooling drunk, just to keep the panic down. Today, at nearly 34 years old, I'm planning the first canoe trip of the season. AND FALLING APART!!!!
I can do this, but god amighty it is SO excruciating to choose and plan to be outside, isolated in the wilderness with my partner. He's a nature nut who cannot fathom my reaction to the great outdoors. I'm usually pretty much okay (more or less) when I get to where I'm going, but the getting there threatens my sanity. I'm binge eating on foods that numb me (for a while) like the booze did, but my blood sugar imbalance is a serious problem. I feel like I'll fall to itty bitty pieces if I don't numb myself somehow.
I've only ever spoken with one other agoraphobic over the years and I don't want to suffer alone anymore. These days, I am usually able to force myself to act in spite of the fear, but nothing causes the fear to abate or give me any more peace than it ever did. Can anybody say or do anything to help me find peace of mind for a while today? I'm really falling apart here, but medication is NOT an option.
Stephanie
